Sad things

Ok so I'm curiouse how do you deal with emotions that are threatening to break you inside but you can't say anything because its going to mess everything up and no one wants to hear about it anyway? What do you do when you want to tell your family about someone you love but you can't because they don't want to know about it or hear about it, they want to pretend its a phase and that it will end soon and they won't have to ever deal with it.
Thats my dilema right now. I'm here at home in Houston and I would love nothing more than to talk or say things about the man I love in front of my family but everytime I do its like I get tuned out and no one cares anymore. Doesn't anyone want to know about how I feel? Doesn't anyone care to hear about my life? I know Shyla is getting married and I'm really really happy for her! I am! Its what she's wanted all her life and she found a guy thats amazing, and funny and loves her so much and treats her like a princess which is what he should be doing. She's getting the fairtale wedding and I get to be apart of it and I'm glad even though it does make me sad that I can't be here for all the stuff that goes on like the showers and preparations or the actual wedding but I don't live at home so I guess I just have to deal with that. And I don't want to take away from any of her fun time and planning but I'm here to and its like I came to visit and the sole purpose was to try on my dress and help with some wedding things and that was it. Its like I don't really exist to them beyond that. I want to tell them whats going on with me but I don't want to take the focus away from her because thats where it should be.
So maybe thats why I'm writing this, to say somethings about my life and Jemari since I don't really feel like I can say anything with my voice to anyone right now. I want to tell mom especially because I know she doesn't like him and that makes me sad and I just want her to give him a chance. So here's what I've been thinking about at night when I lay awake before the wierd dreams caused by my pain meds take over.
1. How do you tell them that your in love and that he loves you back when he isn't a member and you know they won't like it but you want to tell them how wonderful it is?
2. How do I tell them that we've been talking a lot about what things would be like if we were married..and I mean things like what would be do about religion, kids, family etc.
3. What do you say when they throw at you that he's black and your going to have all sorts of problems? We know the interacial marriage thing is not easy but if you love someone it doesn't matter and there are millions of couples who do it everyday.
4. I want to tell them how amazing he is! That he loves me for me! And that he doesn't care that I'm moody and grumpy sometimes, or that I'm chunky and fat, or that I like to dye my hair, or that I'm loud, and that I like to do wierd things like read all day if I could. He doesn't want to change me to be anything but what I am. And the most important part is that he loves that my religion and way of life is so much apart of me and that I'm so sure of what I believe in.
5. I want to tell them all about him! That he works at Lowes and is a loader so he isn't afraid to get dirty and use his hands and help people. That he's going to school for a business degree and that he's applying for NSU and OSU for this fall. That he treats his whole family with so much respect when they treat him like crap a lot of the time. That he makes sure that I know that he respects my family and that he wants to meet them when the time is right so that they can get to know him and he can see them all and meet the people I love. He has a car that he's paying for and he's putting himself through school, and the he treats me like a princess even when I'm freaking out and having a bad day. He's always there for me.
6. I want to bring him home with me so bad. I want my family to welcome him and treat him like they are treating Russel and treated Holly when they came and to like him a lot and to think he's fun and nice and cool and be ok with him and I want it to last, not just be for while he's here.
7. I want my family to know that I'm happy with him. Happier than I've ever been with any guy. I know he isn't a member and I know that if I keep dating him that we just might get married and it wouldn't be in the temple and I know it would be a huge deal for my parents if I didn't but if I'm happy then why does that matter. So I can't get sealed now, maybe not even in this lifetime but what if he does join later down the road or if we have to be sealed after we both pass on to the next life? I know dwelling on what if's is bad but I know all the options and paths and consequences to consider, I know that I have to be ok with this and that its going to be a constant thing that I have to deal with but if I know all that doesn't that mean I can handle it?
8. Is my family ever going to accept me for me and for who and what I am? Are they ever going to approve of a guy I date? I want to marry someone who is like me. Not some guy thats like Court. I love him! The last time I fell in love with a guy he treated me like crap and told me he loved me only to cheat on me and lie to me. And now I've found someone who took his time and got to know me and was patient with me when I had to learn to trust someone before they could get that close to me again and even after all that he still fell in love with me.
I know that most of this probably doesn't make sense but oh well, maybe its just as well. No one seems to get me much these days anyway. Its hard to keep things inside for forever.

Waiting...again

So just as an update for all who don't know. I went to the doctor and she thought I had torn my rotator cuff! AUGH! Thankfully I haven't torn anything, the bursal sacs on my joints and tendons are just incredibly inflamed and irritated. So I'm on steriod anti-inflamitory meds and Lortab for the pain...though the pain med part kinda stinks cuz I can't really take it at work because it makes me sleepy. Though I've discovered if I take it before bed I can usually get by on Motrin for the day and then take it when I get home since I don't really go anywhere now. As for what the Pediatrist said I don't have to have surgery thankfully (can you imagine that! Shoulder surgery and I'm only 24!) but he gave me a corticosteriod shot in my shoulder at the spot where it hurt the most and then I have to go back in a few weeks so he can see how I'm doing. Well right now my shoulder hurts more after getting that stupid shot than it did before I got the shot! How contradictory is that!? Oh well I guess it takes a while.
Meanwhile, I tried to go and get my watch fixed today because some how I shattered the face of it at work. I don't even know what I hit! Anyway, I took it to the place in the mall and the chick had me fill out the order form so they could order a new face for it. Well come to find out they don't fix watches like mine because they can't find that exact kind of face shape, they only do fancy watches like Fossil ones etc. mines generic. WHAT!? Its a freakin watch! Who the heck cares who makes it? I think they are just prejiduce against cheap college student peoples watches! So now I have to buy a new one. My wrist feels incredibly naked right now but I guess I'll fix that this weekend.
Which reminds me I'm so excited to go home! I need a vacation! Or at least some time away from my job and Oklahoma world. These last couple of weeks have been kinda stinky. I've definitly found out who my true friends are and how to tell if someone is even worth keeping as a friend. That and I've learned how to make my car swim with all the rain we've had. Its nice and will help with all the fires we seem to have but its starting to effect my mood. I miss the sun!
Anyway, I've got to get off here and get things done! TTYL!